Dying Questions
by ally127
Summary: Duo ticks Heero off. Heero wants to kill Duo. What does Duo do? He asks him what's up with his spandex... Nonyaoi.


Disclaimer: Nope… not mine. Grr…

A/N: I'll warn you right now, this is a pretty strange fic. This idea struck me down with a gargantuan sledgehammer, so it forced me to type it. And why did I _post_ it? I dunno. The shaved beaver told me to. Either way, enjoy the fic! ^_____^; 

~~~Dying Questions~~~  

The Perfect Soldier gracefully sat down at the table. In front of him was his perfect sandwich: white bread blanketing thick turkey slices, fresh lettuce, juicy tomatoes, and creamy mayonnaise. 

            Heero gently grasped the sandwich in his hands and slowly brought it up to his mouth, letting its tasty aroma enter into his lungs. He brought the sandwich closer to his lips, opened his mouth, and… 

            "HI, HEERO!!" Duo popped up out of nowhere and leaped onto the table.

            The sudden outburst startled Heero beyond disorder and confusion. He yelped out a hollow shriek, flung the sandwich in the air, and fell backwards, still in his chair. 

The turkey sandwich—now a jumble of assorted food—crash-landed on Heero's face. The tomato pus oozed down his cheeks, the mayonnaise smeared his nose and forehead, and the lettuce and turkey slices lay scattered around his neck, chin, and ears. The sandwich that took 5.4 minutes to make was destroyed in 2.4 seconds.

Duo's face tightened as he tired to suppress his painful laughter. His plan was to scare Heero, but he had no idea that it would lead to this. Duo slid off the table and leaned over Heero.

"You ok, buddy?" he chuckled with a sheepish grin.

Heero slowly rose up out of the fallen chair. The food plopped to the floor, but one stubborn tomato glued itself to his cheek. He peered thought his mayonnaise-covered eyes and stared at the braided mischief-maker. Heero's rage was growing. Finally, he snapped.

"Am I ok?" his teeth exposed, revealing a terrifying bite radius. "Am I ok?!" 

Duo carefully peeled the tomato off of Heero's face. Without thinking, he tossed the tomato in his mouth and swallowed it. "… Is that a trick question?" 

A large vein popped out of Heero's forehead. He pulled out a gun and thrust it between Duo's eyes. Heero's eyes glowed red with fury as he wrapped his finger tightly on the trigger. 

Duo barely ducked in time before the first shot whizzed by. And with that, he bolted for his life. Heero gave chase yelling, "Omae o korosu!!"

A plethora of bullet holes engraved the walls and furniture. One bullet was even lodged in Duo's braid, and several others passed through the bulge of his pants. Lamps crashed to the floor, tables and chairs were knocked over, and Quatre, Wufei, and Trowa were almost trampled several times—not to mention nearly getting shot.

With the back door in sight, Duo was almost home free. That is, until he slipped on some mayonnaise residue. Duo's back landed hard with a _thunk_ on the tile floor. Heero—who was freakishly strong—securely pinned him down and planted the gun to his thick skull.

Duo's eyes grew to the size of apples; he was gonna die…

"Any last requests?" Heero smirked evilly with a crazy vengeance in his eyes… and goopy mayonnaise on his eyelashes.

Duo's expression completely changed. "Yes! Yes! I do have a last request!!" A suspicious smile formed on his lips. 

Heero was taken back by his reply, but then again… this is Duo he's dealing with. "What is it."

"I have a question, wait… three questions!"

"ONE question," Heero snarled. 

Duo pressed his luck and barked back, "Two!"

"…Hn." That meant "ok" for those of you who don't speak _Hn-ish_.

Duo cleared his throat and squirmed around a bit to find a comfy position. "Ok, first question: why the heck do you always wear spandex?"

Heero sweat-dropped. "_That_ is your first dying question?" He pressed the gun harder against his head. "What are you getting at?"

"Nothing!" Duo defended himself. "I've just always wanted to ask you that ever since the day I met you."

Heero exhaled heavily. "There's no particular reason. Next question."

"What?! That's not good enough! C'mon, I'm about to die here! Can't you elaborate a little bit, please?"

Again, Heero sighed. "… Spandex feel comfortable and they don't get in the way when I fight."

Duo contemplated on his answer. "But, don't they feel… constricting? Is that why you never smile?"

"That's more than two questions," his eyes narrowed.

"Alright, alright. My last question is: where in this great universe do you keep your gun? I mean, it just appears out of nowhere!"

            Heero paused. The gun in his hand trembled for a brief moment. "…"

            "… Well?"

            "…"

            "… Yes?"

            "I refuse to answer that question."

            "What?! Why not? I'm the only one who's gonna know, and as a bonus, you're about kill me! I'll die with your secret." Duo's expression dropped when he heard himself utter that last sentence.

            Heero pondered hard. Yet, he liked the part about Duo dying. So, Heero took a deep breath. "My gun is…"

            Duo's eyes widened and his smile grew with anticipation. "Uh-huh…" 

"I conceal my gun in… my spandex."

Duo tilted his head to the side and his mouth hung open. "Huh? How? I've never noticed a gun-shaped lump in your spandex."

"I've answered your two questions. Now it's time for my end of the deal." Heero dug the gun deeper into Duo's head and inched his finger deeper into the trigger.

Suddenly, revelation struck. "Hey! You keep your gun in your "front"! So, that's why Relena likes you; it makes you look more manly!" Duo burst out laughing.

"Shut up, baka! That's NOT the reason!" Heero shoved the pistol in Duo's wide-open mouth, ceasing his hilarity. His finger wrapped tightly around the trigger, but then…

Quatre stumbled into the room, slightly panting. "Heero, there's bullet holes all over the—" He stopped in mid-sentence when he noticed that Heero was on top of Duo.

Duo and Heero's eyes enlarged as soon as the realized why Quatre was nervously blushing. Heero pushed Duo away from him and scampered to his feet as his cheeks turned red. Duo took advantage of his freedom and dashed out the door, laughing all the way with the solved mysteries of Heero lingering in his mind.

Heero slowly turned his gaze to the edgy and confused Quatre. "Don't ask," he muttered and walked into the bathroom for a much-needed shower.

~~~THE END~~~ 

A/N: So… what do ya think? ^__^; I honestly don't know the real answers to Duo's questions, and I'll probably never know! But please review anyway! U can flame me if u want. Ooh! Maybe you could tell me ur versions to the answers! That'll be interesting. And by the way, thanks for reading and reviewing! ^_____________^


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